As you can imagine, this is not an easy subject for me to understand. I am not certain what goes on in women's hearts and bodies as they mature. I can only know for certain what I experience as a man and a little bit of what I observe of women. My personal experience and observations of sexuality in both men and women tends to make me a bit cynical, as there appears to be so much deception involved. As Hamlet says, "I am myself indifferent honest; but yet I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me..."
At this moment in my life it seems to me that women grow more needy for physical love as they get older and men for emotional love; both seem obsessed with sex but for different reasons and in different ways. Sometimes, I think that men spend so much time trying for conquest when young that they become bored with the mechanical nature of physical sex and hunger for intimacy. And young women spend so much time in seduction that they get cynical about intimacy and more needy for physical pleasure. I also think that for both sex feeds the ego and makes us feel younger and more alive; the result being a temporary thrill and then much dissatisfaction as the reality is that we are constantly growing older.
One thing also seems clear and that is that both men and women lie to themselves so much about what they really want that they don't know what it is anymore. And neither gender seems to value real intimacy. Men are afraid of it and women use it to control others.
It is good to hear you trying to see what is true rather than to pretend that you know. And, while it is important to have satisfaction, as life grows shorter, it is also important not to let fear and boredom make our decisions for us.
I still do not, and can never, know why C did what she did. All I know is that most of the people I know at her age are unhappy with their partners and want something better (usually sexual.) I am pretty certain this comes because they cannot stand getting old. The wrinkles and slowing down, the hard day-to-day work to make money, raising kids and then letting them go, and loving a partner who is also getting older seems endless and joyless. And I think we get tired of pretending to be happy (or at least nice) all of the time. It is hard to admit to anyone else that we are afraid, feeling unattractive, wanting to be touched and kissed and fondled lovingly. So we pretend it is all because we are with someone who doesn't love or understand us; who won't give us what we need, even though we have pretended not to need it.
Personally, I wish C had had a long affair and taken a lot more time to sort out the difference between romance (sex) and love (day to day intimacy.) I think she would be a more complete person if she had. And I would like to believe that we would have had an ever deepening and meaningful relationship. But that is my imagination, I can't really know for certain. However, because she ran away no further depth of understanding was possible for "us."
I certainly still struggle to find the courage to experience fully the joy of trusting anyone other than my oldest and dearest friends and, well...
I am trying very hard to avoid knowing anything for certain. To avoid defining any relationships or taking anyone for granted. I find both sorrow and joy in my, mostly, solitary life. I am often sad and equally often happy. I try not to spend too much time feeling lonely, but I also allow the grief of being alone to fill my being. And then, of course, I sometimes just distract myself with a computer game, a novel or TV so that I "feel" nothing. As for sex - I still masturbate a few times a week and I am usually grateful when a little physical sex with someone whom I am attracted to happens. Mostly, I am more grateful for the emotional intimacy people often share with me. That intimacy brings the only real joy I feel.
Finally, for me at least, I think life has pretty much given me all the thrilling rapid rushes of passion I can handle. Life now seems more life a slowly whirling pool at the edge of the river. And mostly, I enjoy the slower (deeper) flow of it.
Loving you,
G